Lessons in Paranoia

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

An unintended consequence of my kidney transplant is my extreme protectiveness over my new kidney. In the process of protecting my kidney, I do my best to avoid hits, falls, or any sort of trauma on my right abdominal side.

This is fine when I can control the situation; however, when it is by accident or absent-mindedness; I often (for lack of a better word) freak out. As an example, my car was rear-ended recently, and I was overly concerned that the pressure from my seatbelt might hurt my kidney. There were other similar situations that lead to concern and stress, but they turned out okay.

I have never been like that before. As an example, even before the transplant, I have been slightly afraid of heights, but I learned how to ski and have been up on many summit runs. I have been also afraid of closed spaces, but have gone inside and down a cavern or two (I did get sweaty cold hands walking down … and I wanted to rappel!). Also, I have learned and enjoyed diving (with my hubby) in many places in the world.

Now every bump, nudge, hit – I feel paranoid. Even in dining, I am not as adventurous. If I encounter a new dish or ingredient, I immediately think "is that on my approved list?"

Could it be that it is a side effect of my medication? Possible. Through my (very limited) reading, I learned that taking prednisone or other steroids could cause paranoia. Other posts say that it is extended stays in ICU. However, I am not taking steroids and my hospital stay was only five days, and spent most of the time in my own room. 

It’s still a possibility, but unlikely.

I also think it is partially because when I was in dialysis, I have been continually warned that when I did get a transplant, I could not get hit around my transplant spot since the new kidney is not protected by my rib cage (The new kidney is placed in the front, near my belly-button). I have heard that repeatedly from the nurses, the charge nurses, and the doctors. Because of this, I was concerned enough that I even considered not getting a transplant and just remain on dialysis. If one is an active person, like me, how can one avoid not getting hit? I can not ski, windsurf, and do martial arts? 

I am trying to remedy that by adding activities one by one. I am back in aikido and we just recently went on a ski trip (and hopefully, going on a second one). Sadly, I do not think windsurfing is a possibility anymore: too many opportunities for falls. One time, admittedly, I was going fast on my board and fell... Boy, that water felt like concrete.

Anyway, I digress... again.

As I am writing this, I am realizing that it is perhaps also from my fear of my disappointing anyone. I have always wanted to exceed everyone’s (including mine) expectations, perhaps sometimes to my detriment. I have been raised to work very hard and always be the best. As a result, I have always worked long hours and played my best – really burning the candle at both ends. Losing this kidney would be a huge disappointment to me, my husband, the care managers, and to my family.

I do not know.

I really do need to figure out how to get over this. I cannot constantly live in fear. As I've said, I want to live my life to the fullest, and living constantly paranoid would not allow me to do that.

Admittedly, writing this post was a good exercise in identifying possible causes and probably a good first step to combat it. Continuing to be mindful and careful, taking things slow, and perhaps going back to basics until I am comfortable with my new situation should also help.

If you have any suggestions, please let me know. I would really appreciate it!