Stressin' Out

I have not been writing as much lately. It’s not that I have not had anything to write about. It’s that time of the year, and it has been really hectic at work the last few weeks. I have two major projects that constantly need urgent attention and a minor one that gets none. I’ve been working long hours and even working weekends. Overall, my work has been somewhat stressful, and my free time has suffered. I do not even have time to read tweets or blog.

Pulling in the extra hours has been hard on me this year. Perhaps I am doing more challenging projects, am more involved at work, or simply just getting old. Maybe it's all of the above. I have been really tired and not getting enough sleep – perhaps due to the stress. I can also feel it in my body: I lack energy and feel bloated. I sometimes don’t even want to move, but I know that it is best for me continue exercising.

I actually have gained weight in the last four weeks. In fact, I have gained most of the weight that I lost. First of all, it is extremely frustrating to see the weight come back. I worked really hard to take it off (well, not really – but I was militant with what I ate, I had to).

Most of all, I am concerned that my kidney function is affected. I have not changed my diet nor stopped exercising. It reminds me of when my kidney disease was first diagnosed; I gained so much weight. Back then, I did not worry about it too much. My weight frequently went up and down (more up). Now, I cannot help but be somewhat paranoid.

I guess it's true that too much work and stress can cause a bit of havoc in one’s body and mental state. As we know, chronic stress disrupts almost system of the body, and this experience has reinforced that fact. My immune systems are probably so low, that I got sick. Now, I really cannot work.

Although I use techniques such as exercise and meditation to relax and may not seem too stressed, the accumulation of pressure does add up.  It increased my anxiety, made me really moody, and consequently raised my blood pressure. Really don’t need that… ever.

I am hoping there is some relief in the future. I should also keep in mind what I need to do when things are so busy at work.  As an example, by taking a sick day, I was able to rest, relax, regain focus and get caught up a bit. My lab results also indicated that my kidney function is normal, actually better than normal. So, I can breathe a little easier.

Hopefully, I’m in for a relaxing weekend. I really need one.

Slowing Down

During my Nidan demo a few weeks back, my sempai mentioned that I needed to slow down – feel the blend, feel the connection before applying the technique. After my test, I did feel that I rushed through my demo. In fact, even my training partner said that I was throwing her so fast, that she was exhausted after my demo.

For some weird, perhaps cosmic, way, I am finding that the “slow down” theme resonated through the month. With my working long hours, it helped me cope with all my work, extra-curricular activities and in keeping my health in check. 

The obvious example is applying it to aikido. I have been quite exhausted at work and going to class tired. However, when I made an effort to warm up (a bit), meditate before class, and take a deep breath before each technique, the experience becomes more profound and more meaningful. It became a completely different experience.

I am taking the same approach at work. We are slammed because of an upcoming software release. Tasks and more issues are coming left and right. However, if I focus on each task at hand and avoid multitasking, I find that I feel more productive… and probably finish my work faster, at a higher quality.

The same applies to maintaining my health. When I take my meds, I try my best to be mindful and just focus on that. When I do that, I find that I make better note of what I took and take them on time.

I also try to be more focused when preparing my food. I find that it is more relaxing if I take my time when I am preparing food or cooking. It’s like a moving meditation. Even chopping seems to have a deeper meaning: I learned to appreciate the colors and texture of what I am chopping and not rushing through preparing a meal.

As I slow down, everyday things seem to have more meaning and substance. I am able to see subtle things that I normally would miss if I were rushing. It made me experience things in a different dimension.

I am still learning and finding more ways to slow down. I am still hurting a bit, and it is important to listen to the signals my body is sending my brain. I must admit it is difficult a lot of times, particularly if you have very limited time and there are a lot of demands on you. It does take time… to slow down and smell the roses.

Working 9 to 5

We’re in crunch time mode at work the last few weeks, and I have been working really long hours. Although I have been working from home three days a week, my projects have been taking up most of my time. I barely have time to cook or exercise. Fortunately, my husband still takes care of the household: he even cooks and encourages me time to take my walks or go to the gym. I definitely had no time to tweet, re-tweet, and blog.

I am somewhat surprised that the workday wears me out. Before my surgery, I remember working longer hours and did not feel as tired as I do now. This is with dialysis for three hours, three times a week and regular (but shorter) exercise sessions.

I do remind myself that it has been only a little over eight months since my surgery – not even a year. My body is probably still healing and adjusting. My scar still occasionally hurts, but not unbearable. Sitting eight or more hours per day also now hurts my back. Because of my surgery, I have only been doing minimal exercises to strengthen that area: mostly rotational exercises and light knee-to-chest stretches (at least working my way through it).     

I do think that as long as I continue to keep a few things in mind, I can adjust to my workload without sacrificing my health, and for that matter, my sanity.

Pace yourself: I was Ms. Multitasker before. Now, I am finding that doing two or three things at once is more distracting. I have to focus on one thing at a time and do the best job that I can. I prioritize the items on my list and do them according to priority (or what I can fit in at the time remaining). With this, I find that I am able to accomplish more important things. I also stop when I am getting to the point of diminishing returns, i.e. my brain is too full that I can barely function.

Continue eating healthy: It is very tempting to start eating junk food when working late. I still bring my lunch and snacks to work (Thanks to my husband): lunch is usually a combination of grains, veggies, and healthy proteins like chicken or vegetarian options. Snacks have been granola bars lately (with low glycemic index), but I really should go back to eating a variety fruits in the afternoon.

Take breaks: When I have been sitting for a long time or feeling mentally tired, I find that taking short breaks help me out. I take a short walk, some stretch breaks, and if I am working from home, maybe even take a meditation or hula dance break. After 5 or 10 minutes, I find that I have more energy to tackle the task-at-hand and am more mentally alert,

Continue being active: After a long workday, I find that exercising is helpful in releasing any stress from work or any mental pressure. It helps me take my mind off work and helps me relax in the evening. In fact, each time I go to my aikido or hula class, I sleep really well that evening (Again, I am thankful that my Hubby encourages me to have the time to exercise).

Rest! Although being continually engaged is tempting, R&R is very important. My husband also reminds me that I not only have I been working too hard, but also playing too hard: Aikido weekend three weeks ago then a hula workshop a week ago Although I am one of those geeky people who relax by blogging or looking at Pinterest, sometimes unplugging is really beneficial. Cooking, browsing through a magazine, reading a book, or just napping usually works for me. 

This advice probably applies to every one, but especially those who are coming back from medical leave. I am hoping that crunch time ends soon (hopefully next week) and I can have a semi-normal work life soon.

Enough blogging now… Back to work... On a Sunday!

Walk On

“To grow, to discover, we need involvement which is something I experience everyday, sometimes good, sometimes frustrating.”

- Bruce Lee

Feeling down this week.  There is a situation in my hula group with one of the newer students, and I think her behavior will force me to quit the group. I am deeply saddened and extremely angry with this. I love dancing hula, and I have been in this group for more than five years. To leave because someone is uncivil and disrespectful is disappointing.

This situation has caused a lot of stress and agony.  My blood pressure has been elevated and have not been sleeping very well. I have been very sad, angry, and moody as a result of this.This week, only after two days of crying, anger, meditation, and introspection, I have finally returned to my happy normal self.

In my introspection, moving on may be the best move for me. If one is in a negative situation, the best defense is almost always to walk away.  Some may think that it is running away, but I interpret this as taking the high road, avoiding a truly destructive situation, and not stooping down to their level. As someone who is only had a kidney transplant less than six months ago, having a positive attitude is important.  I feel that given my priorities, it is not worth it to attempt to continue going to a place where I regularly experience stress, especially if it is an extra-curricular activity. As much as I love my teacher and most of my hula sisters, I have a new kidney to protect, and weekly stress and frustration will not be beneficial to it and my overall health. 

I still have other activities to enjoy, and will continue dancing hula, whether it is on my own or with a new group. As Bruce Lee had said, “Walk on”.

Adjustments and Anxiety

I am somewhat on pins and needles today. With the rise of my blood pressure this week, an accidental hit on my new kidney spot, and to top it off, starting our tax preparation, it was a pretty stressful day.

I am hoping that this anxiety is normal. After all, one does not experience a kidney transplant everyday. I find myself very protective of it, much like a mom protecting her new baby. I embrace a pillow every time Meow is around to prevent her from jumping on me, wear a mask and gloves when I go to my check-ups and my weekly trips to the labs, watch my potassium, and the list seems to go on. Any little change is stressful: I always ask myself if the new kidney is still working or did I do something wrong? Sometimes, today included, I feel that it was better when I was on dialysis.

Hubby always reminds me that the stress and anxiety is somewhat counterproductive, maybe more harmful to the new kidneys. While I agree in concept, I am finding it difficult to remain calm and centered. He also points out that we were both used to the routine and diet with dialysis; major surgery and a big change like this will surely require adjustment.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. My meditation project starts tomorrow, and even if I meditate for five minutes each day, it may help calm me down.

Also, in hindsight, maybe we should have our taxes done by H&R Block this year.