Finally dialyzed

Here's my arm this morning... I finally dialyzed last night, so I have fresh bandages to replace the thick (anti-bleeding) gauze and tape. We ran out of our normal bandages, so we used "Finding Nemo". I really like these: they look like tattoos and it's happy -- even Bruce (the shark) is smiling. Too bad, the one with Nemo and Marlin did not work out. Note that my arm is still blue and purple.

Hubby is very relieved that I finally had a successful session. Jen had the lucky poke last night, near my wrists... Ouch! She had three attempts, and in the end, I had two "red" tubes: I should have one red, one blue. I guess my original arterial needle became the one for the veins. As long as she gets it straight, I am not worried.

My arm was tingling and pinching most of the time that we were there -- probably because my arms are still sore and swollen. I was very nervous since the last two sessions went poorly and tired from the drive back from Lake Tahoe where we spent the last two days skiing. Thank goodness Hubby was there most of the time -- for moral support. Thanks for being there that evening; I really needed it!

Something happy

I wanted to write something happy before my next session so my family (Hi Mom) will not get too worried.

Just got back from our annual Holiday ski trip in Tahoe -- two wonderful days of skiing with Hubby, playing in the snow, having wonderful food (especially at our favorite spot in Truckee - Dragonfly). I enjoyed my first (almost) full glass of wine - a Voigner from the Sonoma Coast, I believe, and finished my protein, Kobe steak cooked (by us) on a flatstone at the table garnished with peanut sauce and papaya salad and for the main course, a basa deliciously prepared with mango salsa (oops, potassium there) and green beans. What a lovely dinner! It's so nice not to worry about how much protein I am eating.

The weekend was so great that I did not worry too much about my arm -- which is now purple and blue from all the dialysis pokes.

Hope this week goes so much better...

Is it Christmas already?

I slept most of yesterday... must have been exhausted from all the dialysis attempts from Tuesday night to early yesterday morning (7 am is early for me - ask my office mates!).

Between watching Bond films and crocheting a lei that looks more like a garter belt... I did nothing. My right forearm is still sore and swollen from all the needle sticks, so I am icing it between 4-5 "petals" (it's a flower lei, remember).

Good news is the back-up doctor gave me the go ahead to wait until Sunday to dialyze. That is good for two reasons: my arm gets to rest (Hooray!), and we can attempt to go skiing.

Hope we can drive up today to the snow country today... I am dying to get out of here!

Oh, BTW - Happy Holidays everyone!

My life sucks right now... call back later

Just when you think that things are becoming better... things turn for the worse.

My dialysis session did not go as well tonight... in fact, it sucked!

It is no fault of the technicians. My veins just would not cooperate; they couldn't get a decent flow. Three of the best technicians in the center has tried and still no luck! My arm swelled up twice, and it was pretty scary. Lem said that my veins are not expanding, but just the flesh underneath it -- kinda like a bruise. They said that this is pretty normal for younger fistulas.

My life sucks. I still feel that everything has gone into a complete stop. I can't do aikido because of the dialysis schedule, my yoga practice compromised, I have zero time to go to the gym, I cannot travel overseas (what am I going to do for dialysis), I may have to take more time off work to get there on Wednesdays, it just goes on and on... It has got to end!

I really wanted to dialyze tonight because we are going away tomorrow to our annual ski trip. I've been looking forward to this trip. It has been a family tradition. The expectations and excitement were high! Plus, I can get away temporarily from all this -- I can feel like myself again, at least for a little while. We're all packed and ready to go, and now -- poof -- this dialysis session, or lack of thereof, has effectively postponed our trip and ruined my holidays.

Thanks for the Christmas gift, dialysis. I hate the way "this disease" has taken over my life.

Getting used to downtime

I think I am starting to get a hang of the downtime during dialysis. It does give me a chance to catch up on reading -- now a luxury. I had to give it up when my new work assignment required me to drive rather than take public transportation. Instead of reading, I end up listening to language tapes (currently Hawaiian) or talk radio. Now, I have three hours (more or less) every three days to read, in addition to listening to my language tapes in the car.

I just need to be a bit more organized, just like the way I was two years ago before this whole chronic disease brouhaha hit us. Have a project list and just tackle some items during those sessions. My cautious side is saying not to be too ambitious, start slow... while the daring one is saying, why don't you see if you can find an online doctorate program that you can take on, and take up Sanskrit while you are at it.

I think one of those items -- and probably the most immediate one, as soon as I can get a hold of the book -- is to read "Autobiography of a Yogi" by Paramhansa Yogananda. Last night, during the sempai (senior students) meeting, I noticed that Sensei had that book on his shelves, and it reminded me that I have been meaning to read to that. I have started reading a number of spiritual autobiographies to put perspective in my aikido and yoga practice, and this one is on my list. Perhaps this can make up of the fact that I have been missing my regular yoga practice. I have not been able to do a decent downward facing dog with my weak hand, and my sun salutations have been compromised.

After that, maybe I'll learn Sanskrit...

Back on the mat

Today was my first day back in the dojo. I really need to go to class today. Aikido has been my stress-relief and spiritual retreat, and I need it! Hubby and I have been through a lot these last two weeks, and I need Aikido as an outlet and just to "center myself."

Fortunately, my arm is in better shape, but still a bit tender. Last night's session was substantially smoother. Marcos, my assigned tech for the evening, was able to insert the dialysis needles easily. I can still feel the needles in my arm through the session, but I think I am getting used to it. The staff has been good in alleviating the boredom. The case manager is there to consult with us; the techs, who are mostly Filipinos (like myself), crack jokes; I have my TV routine established (5:30-6:30 local news; 6:30-7:30 - Friends reruns; 7:30-8 - Seinfeld); and I have some reading material and DVD's just in case. It was my first three hour session. I was really worried that with the extra thirty minutes, my arm will be too sore, and I will not be able to go to class.

But the evening went rather smoothly. I still get pretty cold in after 2 hours and was experiencing some cramps (Oh, did I mention I had a gout attack that morning? I thought dialysis is supposed to remove those). Taking the two needles out is still the best part of the evening!


Anyway....

I need to be back on the mat! Being in the dojo and with my aikido family has given me strength though the years, and it is wonderful to be back.

I know that I need to be careful. Today, we're practicing weapons: bokken, a wooden sword used to simulate a Japanese katana (and a weapon in its own right), and jo, a wooden staff. I know I can making strikes and thrusts, but I am not sure if I can take someone's parry. Parries can be really powerful, and I am not sure if my arm can handle it. I just have to let my practice partners know to hit me at about 50% strength.

We went through five of the two person sword practices (kumitachi) and five of the two person jo practices (kumijo) in an hour and a half! Physically, I was a bit tired; we only had six people in class, and as a result, we get to practice more. Emotionally and spiritually, I was elated!

I can't wait until Monday night... my dialysis session is moved to tomorrow (Sunday, ugh!), but that frees me up to go to the last class of the year. I think the whole group will be there, and I am looking forward to seeing them!

Back at work

Yesterday was my first day back at the office. I was working full-time last week when I started dialysis, but telecommuting. This is a real test of my energy level.

I think I held up pretty well... but I am getting sleepy in the afternoon. Not sure if that is the dialysis or just trying to keep my work interesting. It's review time, you see, and doing reviews -- mine, especially -- is not that interesting.

Tomorrow, I have more exciting work -- reading use cases (ugh!).

At least, I am skipping my session tomorrow... my arm gets a days rest.

Simple pleasures

I am enjoying a tall soy chai latte, extra hot... It's such a joy to now be able to enjoy 3 ozs of protein per meal, rather than 4 - 5 ozs per day.

I still should not have caffeine (hence the tall, not the venti) because of my gout attacks, but once in a while I think I am entitled to indulge.

Simple pleasures... small wins! I'll take anything that I can get.

First cramps, first blood

I had a scary session last night.

This was the night of the center holiday party... so I thought everything would be easy, but No!

First, the technicians were having a hard time finding a good spot to insert the needles. When Lem finally inserted the needle, the one attached to the vein was not working. Jen, my assigned technician for the evening, pressed a couple of buttons on the machine and managed to unblock it. However, a few moments later, that needle started to vibrate in my veins. OMG!

Jen pulled the needle out a little bit, and things were fine!

About an hour later, I started getting really really bad leg cramps. At first I thought it was just one of my cramp attacks, but the flex-point exercise which I usually do is not working. Jen said that this is natural because the dialysis process removes all the excess fluids, and sometimes patients get dehydrated. Jen added more saline and helped me flex my feet. It was really scary and extremely painful to have both your legs cramping. I was in so much pain, that I was yelling for help! I was getting short of breath, my heart was racing. Having the saline eventually helped... but after that, I just chilled out the rest of the evening: no more multitasking, just vegging out! I am not sure how long that pain lasted, but it seemed like forever!

The next incident was when we were putting the final bandages. Removing those needles are such a big relief... its like having that first breath after you've been holding it for two and a half hours. We did the bandages as normal and applied pressure to both of them. However, after a few minutes blood started squirting out of the artery! OK - that was really scary... it only lasted for one or two seconds, but it looked like I was losing so much blood and nothing can stop it.

Jen said that we need to apply more pressure to stop the blood flow. My husband and I pressed on that bandage so hard that my arm started to hurt. I don't care... I just hope that it fixes the problem. Whew!

I think that is enough excitement for one evening. It was such a draining night, and my husband and I just wanted to go home after that. I hope I will have enough energy to dance tomorrow for our hula show. I've been looking forward to that for months!

Fear is the mindkiller

Overslept today. Must have needed the rest since I've been feeling so tired. Definitely no superman!

I am not looking forward to today's visit -- I actually feel really scared. I am not liking the idea of needles poked into me. These are not tiny acupuncture needles but I'd say two inches long and maybe a quarter of a centimeter wide (I have not actually stared at them - because, um... I do not like the sight of needles! That is why I am not a medical doctor... oh, did I mention that I do not like the sight of blood?).

Am I supposed to feel like Superman?

Well, it's the day after and I feel like my normal pre-dialysis state. I am a little disappointed because I had high expectations of what the results will be.

In my subconscious, I expected to have a sudden burst of energy (to be "more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.") and be 10 lbs thinner immediately and have flawless skin!!! (I guess that would make it Supermodel-man.) After all, this is the ultimate detox -- one session and all the bad things that you consumed (like that yummy frosted sugar cookie) are gone!

That said, my practical realistic side (the boring one) is saying that things take time... wait until next week.

Second session

I am not sure if I can have treatment today. My arms are still sore today: my right arm from dialysis and the left arm from the wrist lock that sensei gave me from training last Saturday. I considered it as a parting gift; since he will not be seeing me for a while, I was given one last pin --- OUCH!

I am also a bit sleepy -- I had a late night deployment last night and slept at 6 am. Maybe I can chicken out of this one.

Since there is no possibility of moving my arm during treatment, I left the crochet project at home. The usual boredom busters are in my dialysis bag -- but I am really hoping for some shut-eye. My husband (and the cat) advised that I not take my laptop since its only the second time. I complied.

I am starting to get used to the trip and the routine from home... doing this from work will be another story. I still a bit nervous since I know the Angel of Mercy is not going to be there, and the ladies may not find my veins. Oh well, all we can do is try.

The treatment itself was okay this time around -- I think its because I know what to expect. My husband and I marked the spots from yesterday with band-aids to help them locating the veins. Lem, my technician for today, did not need it and found good access points. The needles, though -- OMG, it hurts! Even Lem said that it is going to hurt until my vein and artery toughens up. I need to do something about that.

The boredom is something else to get adjusted to. Thank goodness its stuff that I usually watch anyway -- local news and Seinfeld reruns. I am so used to multitasking that sitting still and just watching the tube is numbing! I need something else. Bringing a laptop or books may solve that since TV is not a good boredom buster. The two needles in my arm (allegedly, the smallest ones that they have) is preventing me from taking a nap.

After treatment, I feel like I am filled with saline -- maybe that is the squeeky clean feeling that one is supposed to get. The scales indicate a 1.7 kilo loss (about 3.5 lbs) which I guess is good. I just hope the toxins are getting flushed out. We really don't know if this treatment is working...

First day of dialysis - take two

OK. Today is a new day. I had to call in sick today since my session starts at 11:00 am. I was not planning on this, but it can be a good day to take PTO since we need to work on a deployment late today anyway... and we have to make this happen.

I consolidated my bag of goodies and headed off to the dialysis center with my husband. I already messed up, because they said they wanted me there at 10:45 and I left at 10:45 -- minor details. Hope this is the only faux pas of the day...

I have arrived and passed all my stuff to my husband -- blankets, bags with heavy magazines, my (tiny) purse, my jacket, and scarf. I changed my outfit of thick sweatshirt from last night to a thinner t-shirt. Hopefully, this will prevent my sleeves from stopping blood flow. I weighed myself and looked for the tech.

The guy looking for my veins is said to be the specialist for "virgin" dialyzees (is that a word?). My baby thin veins are really problematic, and Angel (the technician) is having a hard time. Fortunately, he is an "Angel of Mercy" -- I had some painkillers when he found the two candidates... as he said "You need two to tango". I was hooked up, and now the waiting begins.

Because of the position of my access point, I cannot move my right arm which makes it impossible to knit or crochet. TV at 11:00 am is pretty boring... so I opted for CNN. I was thinking of playing my Hula DVD of Kaunaloa, but decided against it since I cannot rewind the DVD.

The remainder of the time is mostly waiting... two hours and thirty minutes of it. Browsing through Wired, watching CNN, local news.

It looks like it is going a lot smoother today - Thank goodness!

After the treatment, I felt no different -- no dizziness, no energy loss, no drop in blood pressure. I felt that I can drive but my husband did not want me to. The only good thing is losing two pounds! Yeah!

Time for lunch... tomorrow, I bring the laptop!

My first visit - 12/8/08

Here it is -- the first day -- I've packed my bag of boredom buster goodies: my current crochet project, Wired! Magazine, Skiing Magazine, Aikido and Hula DVD's, tunes, and my food diary. I am hoping that things would go smoothly that we will be hooked up in time to watch Monday Night Football and Charlie Brown Christmas. My husband suggested that we bring a blanket since most patients feel cold after awhile.

The first part of the visit consisted of signing paperwork -- it's just like signing a mortgage for a house. I did get another bag of goodies at the end with ANOTHER BLANKET, headphones, squeeze toy, pillow, and anti-bacterial stuff. OK, I think I am ready...

Time to put in the needles... the technicians had a really difficult time to find my veins and when they did find one, my arm started to swell. Time to pull out the needles! The techs think that either my veins are still immature and need more development OR that we may need to put in a catheter for alternate access. What a disappointment!!! My alleged kidney function is at a very low percentage, and further delays may prove fatal. To add to that, I do not want a catheter -- that means no more aikido - ever!

Sadly, I was sent home...

On the way out, the director mentioned that my nephrologist would like me to return tomorrow. He also noticed that my sleeves were rolled up and advised that I were something thinner so it won't interfere with the flow of blood. Hopefully, just a T-shirt will work better.

I still cried most of the night. All I can think about is this really sucks!

About this...

I thought I'd start this blog as therapy - I'd like to think that I am not scared of the dialysis procedure itself, but of the changes that I need to do to my life. My nephrologist (kidney doctor) recommended that I go 3 days a week, MWF, 5:30pm. This would mean that I will miss my aikido practice which has been a major part of life for the last seven years. It's a very drastic, perhaps traumatic, change. I am close to testing for Shodan (first degree black belt) and the dialysis will definitely put a damper on that goal.

I am also very concerned that my work will be severely interrupted now that I am in dialysis. Now, my schedule will revolve in getting to the center by 5:30 instead of focusing on work. I am lucky to have an understanding manager... That said, I am unsure whether my co-workers will understand the adjustments I need to make to accommodate my new schedule.